Opening The Door To Your Heart

Opening The Door To Your Heart

One of the beautiful and friendly horses has come to say hello

When I was 23, I knew everything. So much so that someone had recommended a book to me and I was going to read it and find all the answers. But then my mum rudely interrupted me. 

She bought me two books by the Buddhist monk “Ajahn Brahm” and unsolicitedly sent them to my uni address. 

They were called “Opening The Door To Your Heart” and “Who Ordered This Truckload Of Dung.” 

They were actually the same book. One was the UK edition and one was the American edition. 🇺🇸 but interestingly it took me a long time to realise and I only read the American one - the spacing was easier for my neurodivergent brain and it made that much of a difference.

This book changed my life. 

If you’ve ever remarked on my positivity, this book was the start of a return to positivity after a long, long time in the clouds - the grey dark clouds.

The book says you only need one story to take you into heaven. 

So I took one.

It was really really bad with my seizures at that time, and I was completely limited in what I could do, and even then they were still happening everywhere. But I began to say thanks. 

I began to say thanks to every single possible person I could thank. I began to send emails. I began to write cards. I was so deeply wrapped up in my own despair before of how bad they were and how long they had been going on for (seven years later they are still occurring) that I had forgotten to or at least not known how to say thank you to the people around me. 

And then I began to say positive things to myself. I began to use my diaries for saying nice things about myself instead of for just ranting and expressing my negative emotions like I had done for the last decade literally. 

And I changed 

There was a bigger change than what I had listed above. 

I was obsessed with trying to find a plan to fix my seizures. 

If only I could just stick to the right diet or find the right exercises or find the right meditation practice to calm my nervous system down (btw they are non epileptic so not caused by electrical activity in the brain, and so are often not believed, manifest differently, look more unusual, and come with a much greater emotional burden I would say), then I could fix them.

But one day a woman found me and stroked me and took care of me.

After a year of being looked after but with very little love by the universities security system (of course they were great but there were very few of them that did it with a great and wide and compassionate and open and caring heart), of being supported by freshers who meant well but had very little understanding and could be a bit blunt sometimes, of nearly being kicked out of uni for having too many seizures (not the last time that happened; it would be a problem again in both of my masters degrees); a students mum who was visiting found me and just reassured me and stroked my hair. I’ve seldom felt such great love in my life. 

At that time I knew that no plan was necessary.

Because we sometimes can’t control things. We can’t change them. We can try and we can try and believe me I tried OBSESSIVELY for so many years. But sometimes the only thing we can change is our reaction.

And I am reading ajahn brahm again - part two of that book - “don’t worry be grumpy.”

And still I forgot to open my heart enough. 

I was so obsessed with becoming the best software engineer I could be - and I am doing it out of love - but I forgot to open my heart to each and every moment that comes up and to love the moment. Because kindness is what makes the world go round is it not? And enlightenment can only be found in this present moment. And as John Butler said: you are never closer to God than you are now.

I watched John Butler’s interview yesterday and it BLEW MY MIND.

Take it from me I’ve been sitting in these matters for 17 years. 

You may never see anything more amazing than this. This interview is absolutely simply just PERFECTION. And there’s a part two as well which I still need to watch! 

This is a software engineering blog  

Oh yeah I forgot sorry. 

But this princess is sitting high in her tower (my second floor bedroom) surrounded by the trees on all sides (and this part is true). 

I have been told by my mentor to do max one hour of Python a day but it’s better to do nothing. And my mum also told me not to do anything. So for the first time in years I can do nothing. And it feels so good. But just to be clear when I get back I have some goals:

• Finish my Django girls tutorial as in the current lesson I am on on objects and on ORMs
• Really get that lesson
• Consolidate it if I need to
• Write blog posts if I need to 
• (I undoubtedly will)
• Apply what I have learned 
• Go back to my ticket and keep on working on it
• Remember to be able to traverse up and down between the tiny details of the code (the minutiae) and the steps (the bigger pictures)
• So that I don’t miss the forest for the trees (lots and lots of forests and trees around here)
• So that I don’t cry over not being able to understand a few code snippets (been there done that) while not knowing what my purpose is
• And then I will get back to my OOP course
• And to Python
• And then after I get back to my Python course then if I ever ever finish my OOP lesson if I ever finish it then my next lesson is on unit testing - YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY YAY

THE SOUND OF THE COW MEANS ITS TIME TO GO.

The fact that it’s almost 1 pm here means that it’s time for breakfast (watermelon ftw).

And enjoy your days software engineers and HAPPY UNIT TESTING!!!!!!!!! And I love love love love the pylons and the offshore wind farms and I have already seen my favourite onshore wind farms yesterday. And some of my favourite pylons. And I love the phone masts and the internet towers that I see everywhere and I love the water infrastructures and goodbye.