Baby, For Everything A Reason

I know better than to write a midnight blog post. So here I am writing a midnight blog post. I’ll keep it short. I have often often thought about what I can do for the world and what I can bring to the world through coding and software engineering (no spoiler alert understatement I think about it all the time). But what I didn’t think about is what coding does for me. Oh my God. What coding does for me.

I’m autistic. I didn’t know that I was autistic until I began to code. I had ADHD and to be honest when I was forced to work in an office and stop isolating myself it became obvious to me. But it took a few years to really see it for sure. Coding made it abundantly clear. Now it’s the most obvious thing in the world. But no it’s not just that. As I said in my interview with codecademy last year, coding is quite literally the only thing that calms me down.

And it’s not even far off from being true. Of course I love sensory regulation things. Who doesn’t love nice showers, nice soft floral things that smell nice, clean fresh stuff, fresh air, fresh grass, fresh flowers? 🌷 🌹🌺

Of course I love it all - of course. And who doesn’t love music - like the most soft and beautiful gentle music in the world - like the song “For Everything A Reason” by carina round that I am listening to right now - the softest and gentlest thing in the world. Softness and gentleness embodied. But there’s something more.

Beyond even gentleness. 

Beyond even floral scents. Although I love both. And they both help me so so much. They both really help me.

But what really helps me the most is logic. Patterns. Logic. I love logic. I love love love logic. I love patterns. I love numbers. I love databases. I love tables. I love patterns. I love coding. I love coding mode💻💻💻💻💻💻💻💻💻💻💻💻⌨️⌨️⌨️⌨️⌨️🖥️ as in when you are coding.

I love patterns. I love logic. I love code. I love list comprehensions. 

there’s nothing. There’s nothing that can calm me down more. I’m sorry. When I’m upset I do a codecademy lesson. When I’m tired at work I do a codecademy lesson. When I need a break because there’s too much information or I’ve had an unpleasant life event my boss just lets me do some coding courses for like an hour or whatever. It calms me down like nothing else and it allows me to move on and progress back into doing the real work again. It allows me to progress back into doing the software engineering work again. Oh oh my goodness, oh my God. Oh my God, Oh my God. How amazing. How miraculous. Thank you. I love what I have so so much and I to do it and I love how it helps me.

It brings me a strong sense of fulfilment and satisfaction.

And so they say Lord for everything a reason

I don’t want to share everything on here. 

I have been through some stuff. And today someone told me that people can go for their whole lives without finding what helps them to cope or to heal from it. And for me I have found coding. And it really helps me to heal. This might be frowned on in tech spaces but I don’t care. Some people may find huge healing in yoga. Some people may find huge healing in art. I love and respect all of those things and I hope that I can find more healing in them one day as well myself. And I myself have found huge, huge healing in meditation and treat it anyway almost more as being in a realm of its own.

But nothing heals me like coding can. 

Nothing calms me down, regulates my emotions. Regulates my nervous system. Like coding can. Thank you. So I often think about how my coding can help the world. But I need to think more about how it can help me.

P.s. for years I shied away from the word healing. ❤️‍🩹 I thought it was the naffest and dumbest thing in the world. Now I think quite the opposite. I am proud to bring femininity to software engineering; I am not afraid to show my gentleness, my weakness, my vulnerability, my emotions, nor how much I care. I will never never not show how much I care. Thank you.  🌻🌹💐🌸🌺🌷🌻🌼

PPS and so I’d like to keep on thinking about… how can coding support me and keep on supporting me in my day to day life. 

How can I use it to support me in my day to day life. I get a lot out of doing courses and creating infographics around those courses not least with my progress updates. So I’ll keep on doing those I think. But my job also just really helps me and supports me and helps me to get through my day. And I think that doing my job properly really helps me. Prioritising the right things. Sticking to appropriate and agreed structures like having my focus time. Preparing in advance what I have said I will prepare; preparing topics for technical sessions, preparing my implementation of what I think the steps will be for my tickets, and preparing my understanding and breaking down and processing of the tickets. Or else, how else will I succeed at this, please? Thank you. 🙏