I dream of home

Reflecting on some of my little fears

I can’t help it. When I look at a wind farm. I see so much love. When I look at a wind farm. 

I see so, so, so much love. My love for the wind farms, the pylons, and the internet towers, is greater than any pain I have been through. In the love, my pain can dissolve. In the love for the wind farms, the pylons and the internet towers. My pain of any past experiences of mine cowers and dissolves away and disappears forever, eternally.

There’s a lot on my mind at the moment 

There’s a lot that’s on my mind. I am still struggling a bit with my software engineering goals. 

I actually think I want to go back and redo number 3 again. Just because I still don’t feel like I really get it. This includes making another set of two infographics. I also need to go back to my previous blogpost on it and add in a tiny bit about testing at the end. And I just am struggling with number 4 in general. I am struggling with it the most of all. Maybe I’m overcomplicating it, really. But it’s very simple: getting work done faster, getting work done with less help. Successfully delivering on the implementation of the ticket. Showing time and time again that I can do it. But why do I feel like I’m missing something? It’s just about showing that I can deliver the action steps after I plan them. It’s just about showing that I can deliver on the implementation of the tech steps that I have planned. Why am I nervous about this? Why am I scared about this? I am a software engineer. Isn’t that what I do? But being a software engineer is still so new. The reality of “I never wrote a single line of code before two years ago”. Is kicking in. I can feel it. My mind springs to the Isle of Wight and to the needles and to the Shanklin chine. Isn’t this what I was born to do? Isn’t this what I was meant to do? Isn’t software engineering what saved me? In a lifetime of things not making sense to me…

… wasn’t coding one of the very first things that ever really fully made sense? And don’t I get in the lift every Monday morning and wish I could talk to everyone around me about code? And every time I’m in a lift? And all times of day anyway? Why am I so scared? I am scared of not being able to process these software engineering goals properly. 

I am so scared of not being able to understand these software engineering goals properly. 

I am so scared of not being able to understand number three and especially number four. But they are so simple. 

I just need to go over them one more time again. And to just to try and understand them properly! Really. The last thing I am scared of is forgetting to do things properly:

• Breaking down all of my steps by hand 
• Keeping my notes nice and neat and organised 
• Going through the tickets to try and process and break down my next steps when I get them
• Going over the next steps and iterating over them with my colleague (at least for the time being, for now).

But what else is there to be really so afraid of? I love me. I am wonderful. I try so hard. I work so hard. I love me. I am so proud of myself. I am such a hard worker. I love myself. Thank you. I am doing so well. I am so proud of myself and so strong. Thank you. I am so brave and so strong. Thank you. I am so grateful to be me. I am so proud to be who I am. I am so grateful to be me. And I love me. Thank you!!! ❤️