Winter Waltz (Valzer d’Inverno)

Named after a song by Andrea Vanzo

If you read a lot of my content on here or LinkedIn you’ll know that I think a lot about being a teenager. I often think back to myself at 15 or 16. When I loved to go to Metz in France and drink coffees in cool French coffee shops. When I loved art cinema more than anything else and when one of the best days of my life was my school trip to a French art museum.

I went on two school trips to the south of France in a short space of time too. I went on a painting trip. It was the best. All of that amazing French and Spanish food. Breakfast on the balcony overlooking the sea, orange juice and pastries (long before my gf vegan days). Wearing my mum’s silk dressing gown that she lent me. I want to be 16 again.

I went back hiking a few weeks later. Unfortunately it wasn’t great. My seizures had gotten bad. I couldn’t risk all the routes. I was so so sad and I still am to this day. Anyone who thinks that having a seizure condition is glamorous or who thinks I might be faking it (lol. After 15 years. I know.) doesn’t know what it means not to go to events or to drive or to be able to go on hikes and walks or whatever. Not to be able to go to a dance class or a yoga class.

And you can forget dating as most people know it. It’s not that it’s not possible but you know casual dating won’t work. You can forget a social life as most people understand it. Try explaining “I can’t make plans as I have to see on the day how I am feeling.” Try to explain to someone how many police cars and ambulances you’ve been in while being the most law-abiding person ever. I know that I will find my way but I really can’t rush things.

Anyway on that hiking trip I still got to walk around a bit and I saw lots and lots of internet towers. Beautiful internet towers. I fell in love with them back then of course. What would 15 year old Susanna think about me working in AI? I don’t think she knew what AI was. It only became a thing when I was 19 and the movies started coming out. But she would have thought it was so cool. I’m sure of it. What would she have told me to do in my current situation? I got hired to a difficult job.

I got hired to a job with less experience than most people do. But I have talent and potential. I always knew that. But due to my neurodiversity it can take a while to prove myself anyway. The combination of the above two means that it was close but I am making it through. Speaking of which I should be going to bed so that I am able to perform tomorrow.

Fifteen year old Susanna says:

“You’ve got this.

I believe in you. I have faith in you. You’ve got this.

You can do this.

You can do this. I can do this.

I can do this.”

Thank you

Because I was a resilient teenager and I grew out into a resilient adult. Thank you

Me just before I turned fifteen. On a hiking trip. This was about 10 months before I started having seizures. Like all teenagers I had no self esteem (probably worse for my experiences and undiagnosed neurodiversity) and I wish that I could go back and change that but I can only change the present and love myself now.