How my heart broke in February

In February this year my heart was broken but not how you might think. I came into work one day about nine days before Valentine’s Day and found out that I had lost my job. My renewable energy software engineering job. I didn’t know what I know now. That I would make it into a renewable energy job that was even better. That I would get to work in Python and AI and with water tech as well. I didn’t know these things.

This morning or rather afternoon cos I slept all day I finally had the courage to go through my old belongings from my old office. 

I never touched them. 

My books, my photos of pylons and my poster of offshore wind farms. I found a typescript book. That ship has sailed for me now I think. Long live typing Python. I sat there on the floor of my entrance and I cried. The effect that major major life trauma earlier on in my life in my teens has had on me is that I want to avoid looking at stuff. I can’t bear to unpack boxes and take things out and I can’t bear the emotions that come up. The pattern from major past trauma repeats itself even in smaller things like losing my job. Losing my job was a tiny thing compared to what I went through in my teens. 

And yet losing my job is no small thing especially not my dream job.

A picture of Yosemite from the wall of a shop near my new office in London 

I put my life on hold for so long and I don’t look at the leaves on the trees. I didn’t watch the subtle reflections of myself as I moved across and danced in the light. I fell in love with Manchester but forgot how to fall in love with anything again once I started working.