Myopia

When I cry I don’t cry alone. The whole of the forest back in Luxembourg cries with me. The valleys and the forests and the trees cry with me. The secret oak trees that you know nothing of cry with me. 

The deer that I have seen climbing up the hill cry with me.

The secret valleys cry with me. The secret internet towers and water cages cry with me. 

I do not cry alone.

The whole of Liverpool and the whole of Manchester cries with me. Places I lived, and loved, exploring parks those rare times I could venture out far enough. Having seizures on every street corner and The unforgettable experiences that came with it. The handsome man who walked me back to my front door and stroked my arm who was about to do his PhD in some kind of Rolls Royce engineering.

The actress who I met in the square who showed us all her video. The girl who I made a card for with lots of seagulls because she was studying them. 

The handsome boy on a bike who put me in a taxi because I was trying to crawl home. 

The handsome dentist I met on a dark street at night when I was sitting on the floor unable to walk. So many people who in a parallel life might have been dates - putting me into taxis. Helping me into ambulances. Dragging me to places of safety. 

This wasn’t the youth I wanted to live out. But I got my masters degrees and I did what I had to do. I wouldn’t have changed it for anything. Because it brought me to where I am now. It brought me to the wind farms and to renewable energy. It brought me to software engineering. And how could I change that for anything. HOW COULD I CHANGE THAT FOR ANYTHING?

I got helped into a lot of ambulances and put into a lot of taxis and helped off a lot of floors by people who in another life should’ve been dates - but I also fell in love with the trees, I fell in love with the wind farms, I fell in love with the clouds, I fell in love with the energy.

Resilience 

I had the hardest year. I came off an anti seizure diet and had no idea how to eat and got it all wrong and have hopefully finally cracked it. I had so many seizures anyway although less. 

I got hired really high and in a new tech stack and had to upskill. I didn’t think for a long time that it was going to work out. But you don’t know me. 

You don’t understand. I have come home 3000 times alone and with my hair dishevelled and cold with nothing except my goals and my dreams to keep me company, having seen an ambulance or cancelled a train by collapsing on it or having spent yet another night in hospital in the faintest hope that they could help me.

You think I can’t handle keeping a reflective journal every day or taking loads of honest feedback or having to take a Python course or having myriad difficult conversations or having to write a manifesto or having to write loads of upskilling blog posts or memorise loads of goals. 

I can handle anything.

Oh my God.