Never enough reflecting for one day

Well I am on the bus and my phone is about to die so what else am I suppose to do. I made so many mistakes today and I can’t get over them. 

I can’t get over the fact that I wrote a message about a technical question at about 5.15 pm and sent it cos I was so exhausted and lost. And then realised as I continued to code that I didn’t need to worry about the problem. Admittedly I was still interested so it’s not that bad. And maybe I will get a response tomorrow. And as I pressed send on slack Margaret Elaine Hamilton’s advice to women in tech echoed in my mind: “the only dumb question is a question that doesn’t get asked.” And so I feel stupid but I also did so well. I did an amazing git rebase on Friday - a huge one. 

And then this morning I did some really complicated git magic to cause a mysterious git issue which my advanced and fancy rebase caused (which was still correctly done). And really there is something missing. There is something missing in my life.

As I look out at the murmurations of the birds in Brighton (look it up) and I look out at the offshore wind farms. As I watched the murmurationa yesterday at the pier. I am so good. I am so brilliant. I am an excellent problem solver. I don’t know how I ever let anyone convince me otherwise or maybe I just convinced myself. So I have to see it now. Urgently. It is urgent. I am a brilliant software developer. I am so good at what I do. 

I know exactly what I am doing. As I write this words out I feel so much better in my physical body even. 

Better than I have done in a year

Once it clicks it clicks. And no one can ever unclick it

I am a brilliant software engineer

Look at how I consolidate everything

When I learn I learn solidly 

I learn so well. And I consolidate everything. And no one can ever take that away from me

And look how it has clicked

I learn so well

And do you know what I deserve this

I have worked so hard and for so so long

Thank you