Where Do I Go From Here

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Where Do I Go From Here

Colet House, London. In December 2022 I told my meditation teacher that I had discovered software engineering and that the whole universe had conspired to make it happen for me. 

And I asked how could anything be so beautiful. And he said „I don’t know.” The next summer I wanted to ask him about deepening this and I didn’t get an answer and instead I looked into the eyes of a man and saw the wind farms and cried all the way home.

It was one of the best days ever. Another time I think I went in December 2023 but I don’t remember anything. It must have been a nice time.

Oh I do remember. My friend buys me dinner. I order a book on renewable energy. I get a coach home because of the train strike. Hmmm.

December 2024 I went back to volunteer. I asked my teacher at the end how to keep going with my work. I love it so much. I worked tirelessly for all of 2024 but the results weren’t showing. He didn’t have the answers.

Feb 2024. 8-9. I dance a two day workshop. In the same place.

I think about water dams. I dance the dance of water reservoirs. But then a Sufi track comes on.

And I finally realise I only want God. I only really want God. Nothing else matters.

Today or rather yesterday now. 19.02.2025

I realise everything is okay to be okay at work. But not before I cry because I finally realise how stressful and hard it is to navigate a company with a different learning style.

I go back to Colet House. My fifth time, I think. To dance.

I dance for two hours. I dance in the spot where I looked into the man’s eyes 

And saw the wind farms.

And realise that I was only ever looking into my own eyes.
A Solar farm in Abu Dhabi

My favourite place ever. The OG healing temple.

Where I have meditated and danced for hours.

It’s all filled with wind farms and water dams and software engineering

Where do I go from here and the answer is „only with God.” Because I looked out at the offshore wind farms out to see many years ago and said „I want to be a software engineer. But only with God. Only with God, only with God, only with God.” And now I think that I just want the God part but then again I knew that. A year ago when I had lost my job and I was in Manchester and I realised that Octopus were interested in hiring me - I thought - “that’s fine.  

But I only really want God anyway”

Thanks

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