How Classical Music is Saving My Life

I had a fancy music education. I did extremely hard music exams and sat in the least-ADHD friendly lessons in the world with the strictest scariest and Frenchest teachers. I learned in French - which, I was probably about 9 or 10 when I began to understand absolutely everything that was going on in French and so my foundations

In music theory were often quite non existent - I only theoretically knew what I grasped in later years.

I became an expert in copying people. While of course I could read music and I could play several instruments

I was rubbish at sight reading and too ADHD to use my piano to learn my notes 

I became a master of singing what others were singing. So I could still sing you one of my pieces from when I was 9 or 10 from memory. Always naughty and always in trouble my grades plummeted as my ADHD got worse with age (I didn’t know I had it - and it’s something that develops with age). I laughed at the jokes of the other naughty kids. Like most of the others I lived for the snack machines and the delicious cafeteria in the conservatory. I formed a bond with the other English kids. Like all the other girls I had boys I fancied in the classes. It was so much fun to meet kids from other schools and like all things I didn’t really appreciate it at the time. I did so many things in the conservatory. I did solfege, piano, violin and even Alexander Technique. I scraped a pass with music theory, doing the simpler stream and not the advanced one.

The gifts have lasted forever; singing; transposing from piano to guitar and back again; changing keys on instruments effortlessly. But I never did get into classical music. Don’t get me wrong I was dragged to operas. I was dragged to concerts. 

My ADHD was so bad but it was so rewarding. I’ve even been in an opera and loved it. But it took my meditation teacher to get me back into classical music. I never considered Bach and Mozart and especially Beethoven as spiritual masters. And yet here we are now. It took finding myself to find their music. Magical and valuable. Priceless. I attended a Beethoven concert in London a few weeks ago. Absolutely mesmerising. I left on a high, singing operatically through the empty business district at night. So why are they saving me? Well Beethoven just makes my life easier. My whole life can feel like a mess and then I listen to Beethoven and then it’s not. How can your life be a mess when you are listening to Beethoven? If you’ve read this far I don’t mind telling you: I have a really disregulated nervous system.

I have been through so much trauma. I have never been team trauma causes neurodivergence but someone I work with closely is. And it would make a lot of sense. What came first the chicken or the egg? I find it really hard to sleep. I healed so much. 

But the probation period messed with a fragile nervous system and I am so angry about it tbh.

So how do I turn it off. How do I switch it off. Well I can’t. Sometimes I spend hours watching YouTube just to fall asleep. How bad is that for sleep. So classical music is my in between. I’m too wound up to sleep. So classical music is like a beautiful bridge between sleeping and overstimulating myself. Only then I get inspired and I write blog posts like these. Ooops.

And so it is my hope that when I return to work the classical music will help me to switch off and tone down. Because the probation is over. I passed. But I have no idea how fast or slow to work. I can’t get used to working a normal amount of hours.