Moonlight Sonata 

The first time I fell in love was when I heard someone I knew playing the moonlight sonata by Beethoven. I wish I was lying but this is true. But I already knew the piece. My big sister used to play it at home. In my recent discoveries into Beethoven 

I discarded it as being too obvious. 

But now I guiltlessly listen to it. To my heart’s content. And it really does sound like moonlight on a lake. Have you ever seen moonlight on a lake? When I was 19 I went to the extreme rural part of Czechia. We walked at night round a huge lake. The moon was full. It was a dream. Magical beyond all words

We walked in the middle of the road at night. All in one big group 

And so I’m listening to the moonlight sonata late at night and writing blog posts again

Which I said I wouldn’t do at this hour. And I’ve fucked up again today. Which is - I drank way too much caffeine. When I actually think about it - two hot chocolates and a bubble tea and a black tea - bubble tea alone can keep me awake all night. And the hot chocolates were - well one I got with a free lunch. And one it was a special payday treat at a special cafe (not very raw but all vegan). And the bubble tea was also a payday/im in that part of town drink for after my crazy dance class

Speaking of which dance can overstimulate me too. And make it harder to sleep. So what am I to do. I can’t sleep at all. And I have to go to London first thing. And I’m too hot - summer landed with full force. And I’m still in my winter duvet lol. Sometimes at night I feel lucky to have a job I love so much. I am still trying to comprehend it. How can it be. Sometimes when I talk to people about having had 15 years of seizures they get freaked out. Especially dance teachers. 

Unsurprisingly. No one wants to be responsible for that. But they don’t happen in classes.

I have so many things I want to get right. I want to get my work right. I want to get my sleep right. I want to get my way of eating right. I want to get decluttering my room right. I want to get being really clean right in terms of my bedroom etc. In dance there is no right or wrong - at least not in my classes.

So how could this principle of not right and not wrong apply to the rest of my life. There are just too many things that get me down too much. Mostly I get down that the complexity of my work isn’t recognised. I get down that my performance has been misinterpreted at times due to my neurodiversity or whatever. I feel sad that sometimes it doesn’t get seen that my team is not only hugely complex but requires loads of context switching. And right now I feel down that as always I don’t think I am fulfilling my full potential. Because my biggest wish

Is to fulfill the magic that I feel

When I think of the water dams

Sometimes they come to me in a dance

Thank you