Reach for the sky but keep your feet on the ground

Today I felt better than I have done in years.

Absolute years. 

Today, I felt peace. Now it’s one thing to write about nonduality and to know about nonduality and to have moments of ecstasy and inspiration and joy. But to be at peace is really something else. And I don’t know if I ever felt it before. 

Or at least since I was a little child. Today was also the best I’ve felt in several weeks. I got signed off sick for seven days about two weeks ago. I didn’t feel like I would ever recover. I was so so so exhausted. But now on my annual leave I feel like I am recovering. Please don’t judge me. I don’t think anyone can ever understand what it’s like to try and regulate their nervous system at work while working as a neurodivergent person. 

Let alone a neurodivergent trauma survivor. So nobody can judge. And as I mentioned weirdly last night Bach is really helping me to heal my nervous system. Can he topple Beethoven? Unlikely. But he is very calming. Maybe more.

I went nuts over the last few years. 

I wanted to become a software engineer more than anything. But now I understand why God gave me a clear impetus to be a software engineer. I was obsessed. My obsession was unparalleled. My path was so smooth as well at first. Beginners luck. One miracle after another was flying. Then the journey became so so hard. It tortured me. It nearly killed me. And yet I made it. I really do feel like a software engineer now. Qualified. I have a job. I have passed probation.

I am doing the real thing. But nothing, nothing compares to the feeling of not being a software engineer. Allow me to explain.

Francis Lucille once said: “Nothing compares to being nobody.” Nothing compares to the sense of freedom of not being anybody. Of being no thing. Of having zero attachments. It is absolute bliss and perfection.