Secret Confessions of an AI Engineer and a No. 1 Beethoven Fan

Learning to love Beethoven is like learning a new language. 

But as I lie there in bed and listen to him all my brain can think is: “he’s breaking all the rules of music.” Music shouldn’t even exist like Beethoven can make it exist. It shouldn’t even happen like Beethoven can make it happen. After years of being told that nobody got the universe like Beethoven did I started to listen to Beethoven. Really listen. Not in the background. Not while coding (although some of my best code has been written while listening to Beethoven coincidentally). But I lie in the dark and I listen.

Instead of going on YouTube shorts, the single most draining thing in the world, I listen.

I listen as he breaks every rule of music. I listen as he does things with music that shouldn’t be possible. I realise I’ve cheated myself out of listening to the best music around up until now. On Saturday I caved and went to see a Beethoven concert amidst all my tiredness.

I couldn’t believe it. I was ecstatic. I was in awe. I was in absolute ecstasy. Again: “he’s breaking every rule of music.” As the piano and the violins flowed into one: “he’s breaking every rule of music.” A violinist made eye contact with me. 

We couldn’t stop grinning at each other. Right up until the applause. United by the love of Beethoven.

And so I imagined I had three wishes. I wished for a million pounds. I wished for a year to live in London and see concerts with that money. And then 

I wished to be an ai engineer

And I wished to do my job

And then I realised that I only wanted my third wish

I love my job so so much

I love my work more than anything

I feel bad for being off work and I know I shouldn’t be. Feeling bad that is. 

I had a tough year and these things happen.

I know the drill. I need it to be sustainable. I need a break. I need to take my evenings and weekends off. I need to recover from the madness of last year. I need to find a way to sleep. To eat. To keep my room tidy. When I realised I was taking a break for a bit the thing that made me the most sad was my mentoring sessions. 

We were only just about to start properly. And it broke my heart. I want to learn backend technical stuff. I had some time to think. I thought about how hard I worked to learn software engineering. I thought about my last job and how much it broke my very heart to lose it and to leave all my friends behind who I used to work with together. How do you say to a 29 year old who’s in her dream job that she’s lost her dream job and that she’s being laid off from her apprenticeship in national apprenticeship week. I mean it really sucks.

In my redundancy conversation I quoted Maya Angelou 7 times.

I kept on saying “and still like life I rise.” I got my dream job of working in AI in a utilities company

The dream doesn’t get any bigger than this. 

And Beethoven absolutely shattered my heart open.

I never felt truly grateful for my life until I listened to Beethoven. Thank you