The Cat That Taught Me Boundaries

I am like a hurricane. I cannot control myself. I have so many ideas. They flow through me so fast. I’m so privileged. For so many years I thought my creativity was dead. Stuff happened and I died inside. Software engineering played a huge role in my creativity coming back. My love for software engineering is so deep and so profound. It spurred me on to do so much writing. And I struggled so much - finding my first job, getting laid off, passing my probation - that I was pushed to write deeper and write more.

So much has arisen too. I’ve been singing all my life and writing songs all my life but both have taken off recently. And I’ve been dancing. My god I have been dancing. I have been dancing so so so much.

So I saw this cat today. He was on the roof of a convertible. I being my very naughty self snuck up to it and tried to let it sniff my hand. It retreated. I was bothering it. I would’ve been hurt. I love cats. But this cat was my teacher. The cat taught me how to survive when I go back to work. Boundaries. I need to think. Or rather feel. Do I need to attend this work social? Do I need to sign up for this course just so they can fill out numbers? Do I need to respond to this non work related message? One problem I have: a lot of people message me about getting into kraken. Then I advise them and refer them. Then many of them don’t get in.

Then they vent to me. The problem is that I don’t have the capacity for this. I have just gone out of my way to help them. 

I am already stressed and tired and overwhelmed and overworked and exhausted. I fight every day to survive in a neurotypical environment and to be honest it is fucking horrible. And yet I try to be there for others too. I can’t do it anymore I don’t think. People might not understand but it happens a lot. I have a big online presence. But I never wanted to grow a following. I only wanted to get hired for my first software engineering job a few jobs back - and then I continued posting out of love. I suddenly found myself being people’s friend at Kraken. 

But people don’t realise the pressure we place on neurodivergent people. I don’t know how to say to people: my job is hard enough for me. I have autistic burnout. No sorry I can’t help. It’s a taboo. But if I’m going to survive and want to keep on going in the water industry I’m going to have to say

No

My job is hard

I find my job hard

No

I need to take care of myself

I need as much time as possible to take care of myself

Bye

I don’t think my job is that hard but working is hard. Working in a neurotypical environment is hard hard hard. And so I need boundaries to cope. 

I signed up to coach at a workshop on my first day back. And then I realised I was an idiot and I cancelled my commitment. My time is for nature. Resting. Music. Dance. Relaxing in my new clean tidy space.

People who haven’t had their nervous systems totally messed up can’t understand. How hard it is to wind down.