Weaving A Thread Of Pain And Stories

Sorry I’m on a roll and can’t stop now. I will regret this tomorrow. But there is a common theme. From the very first blog post I ever shared at my current job (that someone reached out to me in alarm about - not knowing my writing style - whoops sorry) - to the one I just wrote. There is a theme. The common theme is there. That common theme is fulfilling my full potential. Or rather not doing it. Every manager I have ever had has said to me the same thing: focus on the technical stuff. Don’t let yourself get distracted. Don’t let yourself get distracted by first aid courses and giving talks (my last tech talk was fun ok) and presenting company meetings.

Something I have once tried to say is that everyone wants a piece of Susanna. I know that might sound arrogant. I don’t mean it like that - I mean it in the sense that yes I may seem nice open chatty friendly and all of that. But I am more than that. I am a super talented software engineer. I am a software engineer with huge huge huge potential. Potential that is not being realised. For the long hours that I have put in - I could be doing better

For the work that I have done - I could be doing better

For the love that I give - I could be doing better

For the blog posts I have written - I could be doing better

Something is holding me back is it lack of practise? Is it distractions? Is it doing stupid things like volunteering at an event on my first day back after burnout and then not going home and resting adequately? What is it that is stopping me from focusing

I want to know

I don’t know

But it’s been a theme for the last two years with every manager

Come on Susanna

What is going on here