Withstanding All The Time, Changes and Seasons - Quite Literally

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Withstanding All The Time, Changes and Seasons - Quite Literally 

To know me is to know that “Yosemite” by Lana del Rey is my software engineering song. I always thought that my love for software engineering was “withstanding all the time, changes and seasons.” But - just like with getting an AI in utilities job - I couldn’t imagine how quickly the test of this would come.

I have of course got a million thoughts in my head. I was told not to think about work while I was off and I agree.

But if writing and thinking about things can help me to come back stronger then that's okay I think. I want to talk about someone who really inspires me. 

And that is Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift built her empire by being herself. She succeeded, built a following, created her art, became a billionaire - all through being herself. Is there anything better than to just succeed by being yourself? And having a good time along the way? I have to admit - the issue isn't my work. I love my work. And I am really very good at it. And I am finding it pretty easy at the moment (well not easy but doable) and I am having a great time. (And yes actually pretty easy yes often at times). But the issue is how do I make it sustainable.

I spent all of 2024 sacrificing my life to make it work at work - not just the social life or whatever - the basics like decluttering, cooking etc. I went through such a challenging time.

Now I want to think about - what does success at work for Susanna look like. The job has clicked. I no longer need to do overtime.

I want to do research yes but I can stagger this and space it out somehow. A little bit at a time. Goes a long way. But the issue I'm really having is with the other stuff. Sleeping. Waking up on time. Recovering. Resting as I sleep. Ultimately I think I needed a break from the stress.

I couldn't stop thinking for a year about whether I was going to be successful or not. That is a lot of pressure for one person to go through. I was dealing with other stuff too - healing trauma, healing seizures. There was a lot going on for me that year. I forget sometimes when I dance into the office in my rainbow scarves how much I had to overcome to get there.

At 25 working still seemed impossible to me. At 30 I have one of the coolest jobs in the world. A lot has changed for me very fast. I can speculate about what to do differently next time. I can plan to take breaks and to eat well etc. when I come back to work. But ultimately I need something deeper. I need a break (oops so I should stop writing this). I need time to stop and smell the flowers and to try and understand why I wasn't smelling them before.

But ultimately I just need something deeper. And that is acceptance.

Acceptance that it is going to be okay. And if it is not okay then it will be okay too. Leaving renewable energy was an impossibility for me. And losing my job was financially impossible. So I had to do whatever I took and that has left me really really tired - exhausted, even. I think also I fell into the other traps I fell into with burnout before. 

Making unnecessary to do lists. Long dance to do lists. Meditation to do lists. Just dance in the moment. Just meditate as and when it comes up. But the biggest challenge for me is how to eat day to day and that for a year has been a nightmare. This is probably one for another blog but just to lay out some thoughts here:

  • Came off an anti seizure diet last year
  • Wasn’t helping with seizures anymore and was making me feel sick
  • Totally couldn’t find the right way to eat after that
  • Have been battling it through for the last year
  • Hate my own cooking, feel ill from processed food or from eating out, but cannot find the time in the day to do the prep needed for raw foods etc.
Anyway this is getting depressing so I need to stop. I hope a miracle will come around. Right now I just need to focus on radically decluttering my space. Just to make it more manageable when I get back to work. Thank you 
A photo of Susanna at the train station
A picture from just before I went to Leeds earlier this year. What an amazing trip 
Thank you

P.s. if anyone is wondering what does one do during their time off from work - the answer is listen to Beethoven. And fall asleep. And hopefully aim to declutter my room slowly and fully so that I can keep it clean once and for all

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