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There was once a time when I loved software engineering more than anything else and nothing could break my love for it. My first 18 months of coding were a dream.

Yes there were ups and downs. But there was so much to it. The speed at which I got hired. The opportunity I had to learn. How I got paid to train on the job. The five mentors I had on a weekly basis. How I loved and idolised each one of them so much. 

Even through tough moments like the bootcamp I knew I was living my dream.

But then the next 18 months have been ridiculously challenging. I don’t even want to talk about it but here’s some of it - getting laid off at the most vulnerable point in my career. Getting a relatively small payout (especially compared to every single one of my colleagues) leaving me in by far the most vulnerable position 

Compared to all my colleagues. I’m still shaking thinking about it. The vulnerable position I was put in. 

The money which could so quickly run out - and it did - when choosing between two jobs - I didn’t have a choice. I had to take the one that started sooner. I’m glad I did. I would’ve picked renewable energy anyway. But this made it easier. But then the first 14 months at kraken were a nightmare. I am not going to say too much 

But I can mention the words 10 months probation.

Most people didn’t know how depressed I was during that time. I hid it very well. People know me as that bright happy bouncy person and I am. So it was easy to continue being me. But I thought about it every single waking moment. I neglected my whole life. I did nothing but work for that whole time. How depressing it was. And when it ended I had a burnout. Horrible time. And then came the opportunity to start in the frontend. I have appreciated everything including the significantly increased diversity of the new teams - more women, more LGBTQ +, more neurodiversity, etc. I also really appreciate the structure of the ceremonies 

Have I fallen in love with software engineering? I still love it. But I no longer put all of my self worth in it. I no longer put it above all else. I no longer feel I could never ever do another job but I do hope to continue this one because I love it. And I love myself. And think that I am so beautiful. I worked so hard for this. No one can ever take away from me the work that I put in

Nor the courage and resilience and determination that it took to stay

Because I know that everybody else would’ve quit, given the position I was in

But I was so blindsided by my love for renewable energy and by my love for software engineering and by my knowing that I deserved to be there that I just had to keep on going