“Loving you was really hard”

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“Loving you was really hard”

This is a Lana del Rey quote. It was from a song about Jim Morrison.

But it’s sometimes the way I feel about my work. I don’t know what on earth happened. My head is sometimes still spinning from a decision I made three years ago. It wasn’t a decision. I wanted to ignore it. But it wouldn’t go away. It was so insistent. I had to do it. My first 18 months were a high. A permanent high. I wish everyone would feel like that at least once in their lifetimes. I guess it’s what falling in love must feel like. I don’t know. Reality came crashing in almost exactly 18 months in.

Then the next eighteen months were really hard. And then things have perhaps levelled out. However I feel so tired. There is a level of tiredness that I can’t get over. It’s a great lesson to never overwork. But I also need to balance my life more. I’ve been running. I can’t stop. I can’t stop. If you read my last blog post then you’ll know that I’m doing a lot of healing stuff. And this begs the question

Did I work so much because I needed to save my job (yes, probably). Or did I work so hard because like I have been for the last fifteen years I was just running away from something. I walked home last night from the train station after sort of falling asleep on someone (he was very nice about it and didn’t bother me until he had to get off at Preston Park) in my hoodie and realised I felt like a teenager. I wondered if that was still what I really wanted from life. But I don’t mean “do I want to settle down and buy serious trousers and do I want to start cooking for other people” (although the other week I did cook for other people and they loved it). I mean next time I’m paying for an Airbnb or I’m just not going. I’m too old for this shit 
A village hall in the countryside
The place where I did my dance workshop 

I travelled all the way to Cumbria for a dance workshop. I won’t go back for a while - or maybe I could, not to dance, but to chill? Why wait to see that place again forever? Anyway look. After the hardest 18 months of my life

Narration is helping me. Narration is saving me. If I can
  • Write verbose commits
  • Leave verbose comments for myself on my PRs so I can remember overnight over weekends etc
  • Write good PR descriptions (which I still need to question my colleague on) (mine are not bad but I think they could be better)
  • Write good epics and tasks and sub tasks
  • Write useful comments
  • Narrate my work well in standup
Then I still have a chance. Thank you

I have fought for myself for this long because I believe and know I am worth fighting for

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