The desire to say “No”

Today I went to dance class. And I was dealing with some pretty strong emotions. And as I do improvised dance we work with anything we can for inspiration. And that’s why I love it. The room, the time of the year, the people around us. And emotions are a major factor. So I really went with them - and this is why I love dance - it is the most therapeutic thing for me in the world - to be able to just work with whatever is coming up for me is more therapeutic and powerful than most therapies are. So I danced with this very strong emotion. And what came up for me is the desire to say no. Imagine you’re just saying yes to everybody in lots of little ways. 

And that was me for a very long time and still is. I say yes to lots of little things. It’s a lot better than it used to be but the analogy I used to give was: I feel like a cake. Everybody wants a piece of that cake. And at the end of the day there’s nothing left for me. And so saying yes to a million different people a million little times can end up costing you. My sister gave me a training course on how not to let random people on the train drag me into long conversations. 

I work full time; I work very very hard. If I am lucky enough to be on the train I usually want to just chill. On the train back from Leeds to Brighton I deflected five different conversations. I seem approachable. People talk to me. But sometimes I just want to be left alone. And I find this often at work too - when rushing to a meeting or rushing to the bathroom between meetings I can’t always say no to people (I am always in an office) but that ‘no’ is what makes it possible to grab a cup of tea between meetings. Or get my coding done. I recently said to my boss:

I used to feel bad for saying no to people at work. But then I realised. I am here to do my work. I am here to perform my service to the company. I am here to do my job. Saying no to something that is not my work is a good thing. I am doing a service to the company - I am giving my time back. So they can get the best of me and my skills