Magnet ❤️‍🔥

Today something really horrible happened to me. I was leaving my office quietly and then a man barged through the barriers behind me (tailgating me, without his own pass) and got up really really close to me and came up right behind me. He said „sneaking past, sneaking past” but I barely heard it but that was the only warning I had before he was basically pressing up against me and so on.

I almost passed out because this is one of my greatest triggers and a colleague had to drive me home. Why am I talking about this? Because why would I not talk about this. I had to wait for a while with my head spinning and the world spinning sprawled up against a wall and in that moment or maybe it was after someone had firmly pulled me onto the bench I thought

I did everything right

I did everything right

I did everything right

I learned JavaScript

I learned Python

I learned react

I organise my calendar every day like a madwoman

And it’s still not enough

It’s still not enough

It’s still not enough

No matter what I do I still live in a world where a man thinks it’s okay to push up against me and behind me in a tiny space when he could’ve just asked me to let him out or asked security or could’ve used his phone or something

It doesn’t matter 

How many tech conferences I speak at. Three years into coding 

I can’t count the number of tech events I’ve spoken at

But still someone said to me „oh well he didn’t know that that was the effect it would have on you.”

To the people in the world reading. I don’t want you to tailgate me through barriers

I don’t want you to come through tight revolving doors with me

I don’t want you to flirt with me unless it is the right context

I don’t want you to ask me out (this is to all the uber drivers out there. When I go to Manchester 50% of the uber drivers ask me out)

I don’t want you to comment on my appearance or make me feel small. I don’t want you to feel threatened by me or my intelligence or intimidated by me - yes it is possible that I am smarter than you or that I work harder or that I am more technical

I love being a woman

I am so proud to be a woman

I don’t want to be checked out by my uber drivers as I walk away. One day I will meet the love of my life. If it’s not you - leave me alone

I want to dance and write software. I want to do Buddhist meditation practices and to irresistibly sing in Sanskrit. I want to walk down to the sea every morning. I want so much

But I don’t want to be harassed

After my colleague and her partner dropped me off home I sat and cried on the floor

Only to get up again tomorrow and do another day of software because this is how I did my whole studies and my whole career - never ever giving up and always fighting back 

A Buddhist prayer wheel