Disassociation

For some bizarre reason I have decided to talk about this today and I don't know why. I don't know if I will even publish this post. But I want to talk about this. When I was 15 I began suffering from mystery seizures. Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while will know. Back then there was no name for them.

It was like this horrible mystery and nobody could tell me what it was. By the time nearly ten years had passed and people began to give me names for it I didn't care anymore. No name could do it justice. No written description online came close to paralleling 

The hell I had been through.

The endless hell that I had been through for years and years and years. Living with a condition that very few people believed - and even fewer people had understood. How do you explain to someone that you have lived through such extreme trauma that your brain will just shut you down in random places again and again

For 15 years. Leaving you unable to drive. Leaving you unable to go outside without planning it meticulously for years and years. Leaving you collapsing on your way home from work, uni, whatever for years upon years 

I have lain outside on the floor for hours in freezing temperatures. I have been left alone face down in the rain 

I have been kicked out into the rain in the dark - often by the very services that were supposed to be protecting me - but it was just because they did not believe it was real or understand what it really was

Dissociative seizures are a very real big thing and... I don't know what to say to anyone who would say I was faking. I do: I would say that it is an insult to the thousands and thousands of hours of suffering I have endured. Of the torture of lying frozen and paralysed, semi conscious, with your thoughts and memories gone 80% not there living in a world where there is only suffering and in a state where all the love and the kindness in the world is gone 

(Because when you dissociate - your body goes and your mind goes back to the state you were in when the trauma occurred - and when you could not feel any love present in the world).

Often in the company of people who are watching over you but don't believe you

Or think I'm just crazy

But it's okay 

As I said to the faces of many people 

And I will say again

I am young, I am gorgeous I am intelligent and I am talented 

I can think of a thousand things I would rather do

Than lie on the freezing cold floor in the rain to get your attention

Walks across the beach at sunset come to mind. Hours and hours of dancing. Exploring the forest alone with no fear of being outside 

But that is all still to come 

And as some of the kindest paramedics said to me: I have a beautiful future ahead of me 

I have a beautiful future ahead of me 

I have worked hard to deserve this beautiful future and I am ready for it now thank you 

Shiva and Shakti - borrowed from the internet - I apologise, ever since years ago nearly all pictures have been my own