I Was Sent Forth

I do not let anyone make me small. Very often people think I am not strong or tough. This makes me laugh. I have been through more than most human beings could ever survive. I just don’t talk about it publicly, because I choose not to. People often assume that I am not smart or not a lot of other things. So I knock those assumptions down one day at a time. I knock them down through my career, I knock them down on the dancefloor and I stay grounded in myself when people are trying to pull me away from myself. I don’t always manage. But the people who trip me up are often the ones worth being tripped up for. And I am trying to bring my confidence from work into the real world. If I can stay grounded in a meeting then why not in the real world? 

But look life is really tough right now and I am struggling with my memory. That reminds me I have a technique I can use for the week for listing my goals. It’s on my laptop. Do I want to work at 11pm on a Saturday? No way. But if it’s what allows me to relax for the rest of my weekend that works… I can always swap out an hour somewhere 

So maybe I will do it. I feel pathetic. I have 3 or 4 planners. It’s still not enough. Nothing is enough. I haven’t meditated yet today. I am hungry. My executive functioning has failed me - or rather I went into the kitchen to make some food and my flatmate was cooking everything and everywhere and I had to give up and get back into bed. That was several hours ago. I probably should try again soon. But there is so much to do

I need to make some notes for my boss

Make a diagram to store all my diagrams

And make a plan for next week

Then when that’s done on my laptop I can try these three or so planners that I have. Then I wanted to meditate and write some intentions and pull a card from my deck

But first I am hungry and Jesus Christ this is hard, it’s always hard, it’s never easy, why doesn’t anybody ever tell me what to do. Why does no-one give me the answers. 

I had my first seizure in a while recently and it was devastating. Sometimes these things just happen.

It’s no biggie but I want them out. I want to persevere with my plan of a daily morning walk 

I want to write down all my work for the week this will really help thank you and if it’s 11 pm on Saturday so be it - I will sleep in on Monday and start a bit later