I’m not strong, and I’m not wide, and I’m not long

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I’m not strong, and I’m not wide, and I’m not long

Song quote from “Dark Undercoat” by Emily Jane White.
There are so many things I want to say. 
I’m not always nice. I’m not always happy. I’m not always positive. I don’t always want to help you. I don’t always want to do the right thing. I feel so trapped in the pressure of saying yes to other people. Of having to keep people happy and to give into peer pressure. Sometimes I wonder if the people who have done best in their careers 

Are the ones who learned how to say “no” to everyone. I conversely know how to say “no” to few people. And when I do I feel so so guilty. I feel so guilty for saying “no” to people at work. I find it really hard and challenging. I wonder if it has held me back. I don’t always know if I am being kind and helpful or not. I don’t always know if I’m giving too much of myself or not. I’m not tall, I’m not wide and I’m not strong
I am not strong 
“And if I was a deep bath tub
Would you sink down
To the bottom of my love?”

I don’t understand. I don’t understand 
I don’t understand 
A cloudy sun over a glacier in switzerland
How can I have worked so relentlessly hard for so many years and have so little to show for it
I can’t keep on going for so many more years and yet get so little results 
But maybe my diagrams will help me
Maybe it’s patience
Maybe it’s the big breakthrough that is coming soon
I’ve been hanging on for years
How much longer can I hang on for?

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