Susanna Codes

A Healing Journey I’m going to say it: the dramas of the last 18 months gave me a lot of time to stop thinking about other stuff. The whole of the software engineering adventure. It gave me a chance to be free. It gave me a chance to be someone else. It gave me a chance to be someone new. Because if you knew me before you’d know I was the last person of earth who was likely to be a software engineer. And I still dance around in amazement. And yet I really really love my job. It’s long and it’s tiring but I really love my job. Who knew my happy job could look like this? And now that work is going well - it’s challenging but it’s going well, it’s strict but it’s going well (it needs to be strict while I grow into a fully fledged frontend and react developer). I have to come back to planet earth It’s really difficult because as a nonduality person  As a Buddhist and all of these things. I don’t want to identify as someone who has had (really severe) trauma. I would rather just move on...

Reset There was once a time when I loved software engineering more than anything else and nothing could break my love for it. My first 18 months of coding were a dream. Yes there were ups and downs. But there was so much to it. The speed at which I got hired. The opportunity I had to learn. How I got paid to train on the job. The five mentors I had on a weekly basis. How I loved and idolised each one of them so much.  Even through tough moments like the bootcamp I knew I was living my dream. But then the next 18 months have been ridiculously challenging. I don’t even want to talk about it but here’s some of it - getting laid off at the most vulnerable point in my career. Getting a relatively small payout (especially compared to every single one of my colleagues) leaving me in by far the most vulnerable position  Compared to all my colleagues. I’m still shaking thinking about it. The vulnerable position I was put in.  The money which could so quickly run out - and it did -...

I Work In Renewable Energy I’ve been working for four and a half years. My job title has changed so many times. My company has changed so many times. But one thing has always been true: I work in renewable energy. One thing has also always been true: every time I look at a wind farm. I feel alive. I feel ignited. I feel so alive. I feel God. I feel all of these things. What can I do? What more can I do? I am working in the right industry. How have I been?  I’ve been doing lots of work

When I get sad I stop being sad and I look at the offshore wind farms instead, part 1 billion Nothing can stop me. My love for the wind farms and renewable energy lives in my heart. It lives on in my heart. And when you love something purely, nothing can stop you. My love for the forest is the same. I love the forest with great great purity. After that you can do what you want to me. You can put me down. You can try to stop me. I don’t mind. I have the love that is in my heart. I have the love that is in my heart. And I know that it is pure and it is true. Is pure and it is true. It didn’t matter what they said to me. It didn’t matter how they put me down. Nothing could ever ever stop me. Nothing could ever get me out of renewable energy. Maybe one day they will try. But they have not yet managed. My name is Susanna and I went to the rampion wind farm museum today. My name is Susanna and I went on a carousel today and I looked out at the sea and I reconnected with the wind farms. They ...

An Ode To Renewable Energy I cannot remember a time when I did not love pylons. When I did not love wind farms. And if I left this world tomorrow, that’s what I’d want you to remember me as  I remember my very first renewable energy add that I saw. It was for a Luxembourgish renewable energy company. I fell in love with it. I loved it and watched it and enjoyed it every time I went to the cinema - and looked forward to it. Renewable energy must’ve lain pretty dormant in my life until my mid twenties In my marine spatial planning masters I fell in love with the wind farms. I fell in love with placing them and siting them. I fell in love with looking at pictures of them and analysing them. Masters number two took me deeply into resources management. And then into the analysis of a wind farm. And that was that. A dream was born  And I got into renewable energy. And every time I faced a challenge at work I told them I couldn’t leave  Because I wasn’t leaving renewable energy....

Realising what really matters The same two things happened on one day - I had one of my best software engineering days in the world - and one of my favourite people in the world who was visiting me left town.  I realised. That all of these software engineering goals. That all of this stuff that I had worked towards for years and years. That all of this ambition  That none of it really matters. What mattered was the love that my friend was leaving behind. What mattered was the love that had been  And come and gone. And that yet somehow  Was still lingering on Eternally  Eternally  Thank you  Because the love we give away is the only love we keep  Thank you  Thank you Thank you

The Greatest Story That Ever Was Told Today was a brilliant day for me. Today was the best day ever in terms of coding. I did so much work. I got a whole ticket done (starting on it yesterday afternoon). I had Friday as a goal and it’s all ready for self review; then if all of the tests pass okay then it’s ready for review; and then it’s ready to be merged etc. Today could feel like a fluke but it wasn’t a fluke. Years and years of work have gone into getting me to this place. Obscene amounts of time have been put into perfecting things and processing instructions and feedback, written or otherwise, writing it down myself, again and again  No matter how long it takes For as long as it takes.  I know the goal is here not to move as fast as I can or burn out. But what really matters to me here is I have built the tools to use independence I have built the tools to unblock myself Today I got stuck and then instead of staying stuck I used pen and paper to unblock myself Today I go...

„Focus on what is going right and what is going well” I spoke to one of the wisest and sweetest people I know and she said „Focus on what is going right and what is going well”. So I will. What is going right and what is going well? It’s difficult not to feel a bit broken  Right now over my software engineering career. The last few years have been incredibly and unbelievably tough. I have overcome so many barriers and put in so much every single day - and the results feel slow to show even though I know they are there and they are coming. It’s so easy to break down and despair, so what is going right? The Ashdown (Winnie-the-Pooh) forest  Well I am doing well. I am getting tickets and completing them and raising PRs and merging them. In the allocated time or less. My last PR had zero comments and while I love comments it was still a good feeling. The work is coming in  And that is so amazing work. I have a piece of work and once I do it I will get a few more similar piece...

Thinking about the nice man outside of Bletchley Park - again For my 30th birthday I went to Bletchley Park with my childhood best friend. We met a strange and mystical and magical man  Outside of the park. He stood us there and gave us a lecture on computer science - whether we liked it or not. My friend, an extremely intelligent Chemistry and Renewable Energy and Auditing expert followed along for the ride (probably better than me). And this is what he said: all of code can be broken down into smaller parts. All problems can be broken down into smaller parts. When Alan Turing couldn’t crack Enigma straight away - he solved a smaller problem. All problems can be broken down into smaller problems. I don’t know what to do with my current ticket. I solved some stuff yesterday but now I don’t know what to do. I wrote some stuff yesterday and I committed and pushed but now I don’t know what to do. And I hate that feeling. I hate that feeling of not knowing what to do. And I hate that I...

The Magic of Simply Just Being You can chase every dream.  Work hard to chase all of your dreams. Face every obstacle. You will never find anything more magical than simply just being. You will never find anything more magical than your own essence  Than your own true nature You will never find anything more magical than what you already are Thank you  Nothing is more important than to salute the divine in you Than to open the door of your heart forever  And I never want to write another word again unless it is to express the pure and unadulterated love of God and of truth  Because everything in my life has been worth it as it lead me to the love of God. And nothing, nothing else in the world could be more valuable 

The Bigger Picture I am so lucky. I have some really great colleagues. I have a really great amazing manager. And I have lots of amazing mentors. Today I was speaking to one of them and he told me about seeing the bigger picture. It’s not always about the output in terms of code. It’s about contributions to the team.  Participating in wider conversations. And contributing to my product. Hopefully all of those years of passion And renewable energy training and experience can come in useful soon. But I have really found myself as a software developer. And as a Frontend developer as well. I really love the industry. I really love renewable energy so so much. I really had to find my way that I was going to contribute to the industry in. I guess that I have found that there as a Frontend developer I hope it all continues to go well Thank you If it was up to me this would be my last ever blog post. I only started this blog because I wanted to become a Frontend dev. Isn’t that where I am ...

1001 Ways To Remind Myself I Want to Be a Software Engineer Do you know the story of Scheherazade? Of 1001 Nights?  Of the Princess who married the king who wanted to have her executed? But every night she told him a story and he wanted to know the ending. And so he spared her. Sometimes in my career I have felt like Scheherazade. Always reassuring people that things are about to click. That the results are about to come through. Every night another story. While we wait for my learning style to catch up. And look I hate changing teams. I hate changing companies. I hate changing jobs. And hopefully I won’t have to do any of this for a while. And if I do then somehow I will have to survive. But maybe soon  I’ll get to stop promising. And get to actually really start delivering those impressive results really soon. I’m going to do something I very rarely ever do. I’m going to share a screenshot from the last blog post. Just the last one but one: I want to zoom in on this one goal...

The bus stop where I leave full of hope every morning Every morning I leave from the same bus stop. Full of hope, lanyard on. Excited to face another day. Excited for the new day. Excited for standup. Excited for my written update. Excited for what the day might bring. Cos anything can happen Anything could happen Another day of being honest and true to my heart Another day of being passionate and living my dream Another day of prioritising. Another day of prioritising my tickets. Of prioritising my time. Another day of focusing on my tickets. Another day of focusing on my life and on my goals.  Another day of maybe delivering a commit. Another day of getting something on to GitHub I hope. Another day of focusing on my code. The coding is my focus. The coding is my goal. How do I know whether I’ve succeeded or not today? By whether I’ve been coding. How do I know what I’ve achieved today? By what I’ve coded. The thing is - the flower blooms in the dark and it doesn’t think about ho...

The Amazing and Incredible Healing Power of Software Engineering I had a really rough weekend. Not something you announce when walking into work right (oops). Everything is okay but something huge and personal came up for me and I had to spend the weekend processing it. Yesterday I was like; how on earth am I going to work? How can I be a software engineer right now? There is someone else I really need to be right now. There is another identity, another hat I really need to wear more right now but the thing is. That I came into the office. And now I don't have time to feel sorry for myself (please rest assured everything is fine I just had a very big and personal thing I need to process) - I have so many other things to do like think about how I am going to continue to smash it and think about my manager's latest suggestions. I don't have time to feel sorry for myself anymore - I am too busy solving problems. Both technical and non-technical ones. Also on a side note - many...

It Ends With Me My one wish.  (Thanks for asking). Is for emptiness. I want freedom. Freedom.  I spent all these years. Buying stuff and acquiring it. And then getting rid of it. Donating it and giving it away. Finding space. But I just buy more. I’ve had enough. I just want and crave and need emptiness. I just want to kick everything out. Kick everything out. Thank you. It ends with me. Searching for happiness in objects. Spending money Throwing things out to then find emptiness again It’s a vicious cycle. Not being able to tidy my room  Cos there’s too much stuff in it I have such a tiny room So I can’t have much stuff But I feel happiest that least I have  Apart from my giant purple dragon and a few crystals It’s time to let it all go and with it the pain of the past Thank you 

You don’t have to read my 900 blog posts They can just be summed up in one sentence: I love software engineering. Thank you

Finding a New Path There’s a beautiful Polish movie on Netflix. It’s called “in for a murder.” The ending is so beautiful  She says to someone “that is not my story anymore.” I loved that phrase so much. It talks about letting go of the past and letting go of old stories. My good friend talked to me today about choosing not to engage with old stories and finding a new path.  He is a good friend. He found me in the right place at the right time. I would like to share an unpopular opinion But I actually would like to write it a bit further down as it is so deep and personal I don’t want to share it in the preview. But you know what who cares. Hang on if I post a picture now it won’t show any more of my text I want to share that I really liked the movie “It ends with us.” The first time it triggered me so so so much. So much I passed out. But the second two times I loved it. And I want to say that as a survivor of really huge gender-based violence  I loved that movie. I love...

“Anahata: Mantras for an Open Heart” Now listen to me: nothing is more important than a heart wide open. If I could wish for one thing in this lifetime, it would be to live with a heart wide open. It would be to live out my life in closeness with God. It would be to live out my life in closeness with my Self. That is one and the same thing anyway. To live out my life in closeness with God. To live out my life in closeness with my Self. To live out my life with my heart wide open But that is all that matters anyway. I learned this when I was 23 and semi conscious on the floor. Someone’s mum found me and she just stroked my hair. After a year of glaring seizures (they were the worst they ever were that year) and of people questioning me and pressuring me and rushing me and doing things to make it feel like it was my fault (although that was a great year and so many people supported me so it is hard to complain in spite of how bad it was). And I had made all these plans about how I was go...

My Song is Here, My Song is Now, My Song is Everywhere I Am I felt the need to do an update. To check in on myself as there is just so much going on Gaiea Sanskrit just dropped a new album. This is what the title is from. I raised and merged a PR this week. I am very happy about this. It’s all down to my hard work. I prioritised better. I worked really hard to process the ticket. And the tickets are smaller and clearer too. I went through hell to get here. I went through absolute hell to get here but this is where I am now. And so I am scoping my next ticket. But I have A3 paper and markers for now. This is what I need. I’m not sure how long it will last me for. Maybe I could talk to someone about getting some more  Oh yeah and p.s. my manager colleague who mentors me said that I should try and set a goal around daily commits

A Fire Burns Inside Me Nothing can make me stop. Nothing can make me give up my passion.  Nothing can make me lose hope. Anything can happen. Not very much will scare me anymore. Why is it that I keep writing. Why is it that I keep writing blog posts. Why is it that I keep writing LinkedIn posts. Is it my way of keeping on going perhaps. Because I know that there is something huge below the surface. I know that there is something huge coming. I cannot give up. I cannot shut up. Even if I want to. It’s just not possible. Thank you

When Everything Feels Possible Again When I first started coding everything felt possible. The whole sky split open. The whole world fell apart. I had never ever felt such  Potential before. Such unlimited potential. Now I don’t even  Know what a stub is. I don’t know what a util is to some degree. I guess it’s only been about two days  Since I first saw those in the codebase but I still feel really bad. I still feel in awe at the fact that I’m a software engineer. I screamed at my lecturer ones for making me program  And he told me off. Admittedly it was in R but I still thought - it’s not for me. I specialised in literature and arts. I was a sociology major. I was supposed to be an English literature teacher. I don’t know what happened but it did. I was lucky enough to have seizures. Lucky because it meant that I couldn’t become a teacher after all. Instead I became a programmer instead I’ve had various moments of feeling everything was possible since. When I first...

“You Need Some Peace To Heal” Lately I have been working with a new natural medicine practitioner in addition to some people that I already work with.  I may have misquoted him. I think he said “you need some calm to heal.” That might have been the same thing. Anyway I noticed this. Before I went on holiday I was stuck in a really exhausting cycle of seizures and then getting home and then recovery from the exhaustion of getting home and seizures. Going back home to Luxembourg allows me to break the cycle. My nervous system can really rest when I am back there. So I am trying to replicate this as much as possible The biggest thing that helps me to relax are guided meditations with my long term meditation teacher, Rupert Spira. I have a subscription to his streaming platform. As my mum once said - some people would give anything to have a subscription to that platform. So I am trying to do his meditations in the evening or weekend when I can. They just totally and utterly relax me. ...

Life According to Susanna I am going to spend the rest the of my life trying to communicate it. How it feels to be me. How it feels to love the pylons and the wires as much as I do. How it feels, the love and excitement, when I see a pylon. How it feels like everything is possible when I see a wind farm. How it all is dissolves - how all barriers to love - are dissolved when I see a wind farm. How it feels to be down  On myself On my work and on my job. And then someone sends me a picture of Alan Turing with no context. How it feels  To dance. To slay. To be the queen of the dancefloor. How it feels to dance dance dance dance dance  How it feels to dance like everyone’s watching and know that some are How it feels to find a good poem  By Hafiz. How it feels to find another Christian mystic  That speaks to me. Julian of Norwich. Brother Lawrence. Catherine of Siena. Father Thomas Keating. I just wish that I could get Mister Eckhart How it feels to go home and see...

Today went better than I could ever have dreamed Today was my return to work after a lot of reflection. I am so happy and so proud of how it went. I did my best and it was not for nothing. I did so so well. I am so proud of myself. Here is what I did well. In no particular order: I used my standup update really well. I wrote about what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do this. I have to keep this up. Going on forward this is the best way for me to work I want myself to really think about the practical action steps each day I am going to take to focus on my ticket I really processed and scoped the ticket. I used 5 sheets of A3 paper and my marker pens and this is what it took and I have no regrets. The result was that I was able to write down all the steps. It was already what it said on the ticket. But I had to be able to write it up for myself first for it to work I wrote myself out a comment with the format I needed. After processing and writing out everything it was clear in my he...

I would keep myself, I would find a way (Part 2 of 2) I would keep myself. I would find a way. The results are about to burst through the surface. Like a flower. Sprouting. Like a flower and good for all things. Good for the world like a vegetable. Good for the world like a fruit tree. Looking back on my last post there is something I am happy with This idea to really use my daily standup update - the written one, the one I write every day - to really focus in on my tasks. To hone in on my tickets etc. To be honest and explore my real blockers and even to explore my real qualms and weaknesses and hurts. I’m too scared to read the ticket because I can’t read for shit? Say so. I am too scared to process it because the structure is scary? Say so or say so in a DM. But to be more relevant: I can say things like I am at THIS point in the process, for this process I have developed for myself eg I have found it in the UI, I am in the process of reading up the code in the repo and understandin...

If I could start again, a million miles away (Part 1 of 2) I have to focus more efficiently. I have known for ages. But it’s becoming practical. I can finally see it. I started a tutorial. I don’t have to finish it. I learned what I needed. What matters is the work. I always always learn more from doing the work - always. Especially for me - focused targeted learning always works best for me. I have a learning hour in the morning and I’ll keep that for now and then let’s see. But that has to be kept - one great manager says that you can’t always do the sexiest task first. Indeed learning is always fun.  But needs to be capped to the first hour of the day. And to mentoring sessions where relevant. So going forward I have a plan. When I write my daily stand up updates every day I will focus on my tickets. I will always always focus on my tickets. I will focus on. What can I do to SCOPE my tickets What can I do to implement my tickets What can I do to get any impending tickets over th...

Luxembourg 🇱🇺 I was born and raised in Luxembourg. And I love it here so much. Growing up I took it for granted. All the beautiful and lovely colourful houses. All the safety and the cleanliness. But most of all the magic. Luxembourg is a very very magical place. Yes fairy tales do happen here and yes if you venture off into the forest you might just find your magic. Your fairytale. Because dreams really do come true. And if you venture off into the forest. Down the path into the forest. Then you may just find magic here. You may just find the magic here. More than you have ever ever expected to find in your life. Thank you Because the forest is full of magic The trees are full of love The forest is full of love  The trees are full of love The forest is full of creatures The creatures are full of love The forest is full of magic And so is the night And so are the creatures And so are the creatures And so are the woods Thank you A photo of the trees and of the magic in Luxembourg ...

Software Engineering Lessons that I Have Had to Learn Twice My tickets come first. Everything else is always secondary. Always.  I need to read the corresponding code before panicking and asking any further questions to the ticket writer  I need to find the corresponding code in the repository before panicking I need to find the Frontend problem in the UI first My manager said she wanted me to put it on a post it by my desk: first find the problem in the ui, and then find the problem in the code, before panicking about the ticket I said that I get blocked on the ticket when I don’t know what the acceptance criteria are. So she said I can create a comment on the ticket and write these down for myself if I want to. And then send them to someone if I need to check these. But I have never gotten these wrong. But my manager said the reason she didn’t want to write these down on the ticket was because she wanted me to have input on what I think they might be - I wonder if maybe at a...

Building Confidence I never give up. I never ever ever give up. I have a pathological inability to give up. And I will not give up now. Things are tough. Things are hard. I have been thrown again (as always). Things are bad with my confidence. Adapting to a new language is hard. Adapting to a new team is hard. Adapting to working with new (wonderful) people is hard especially when you have a learning difficulty. I hate that word. But I get to use it. Ok? The hardest part for me is explaining to people how differently I learn. No matter how hard I try to emphasise it - it takes people seeing the real challenges for it to have an effect. I always wish it didn’t have to get to that. Like now. I’m thinking about it all holiday. I feel it didn’t have to get to this point. But I guess that it did. As tech companies we can’t provision for every possible need that might come up - and it often takes issues arising to plan next steps for when a similar problem arises again  And that’s just t...

Imposter Syndrome and Confidence I have worked with a crazy number of people. This is my fifth tech team (at least). I have worked in product and software and worked across three tech companies. I have worked with a LOT of different people. And you would be amazed. How many people have opened up to me and told me that they have imposter syndrome. People you wouldn’t really expect. Seniors. Senior leaders. And far from the stereotype of only women getting imposter syndrome - many many wonderful men have told me that they have imposter syndrome. Men who I love and admire and respect so much  Men who I look up to completely and to me represent everything that is great about tech  Brilliant talented leaders. Talented outstanding software engineers. We all get it. What makes me sad is that I came into this industry with a lot more confidence than I have now. I once felt that I was really meant to do this. I once felt that I really belonged here. Of course I still feel that and of c...

All My Friends Send Me Pictures Of Alan Turing I read the most beautiful thing about Alan Turing the other day. I read that young people doing cool things in tech  Would’ve been exactly the legacy he wanted. I always knew this but it was still great to read. Whenever I feel misunderstood in tech and that is still very often  As I struggle to balance asking for accessibility requirements and doing things myself  I never have to look any further than my great great friend Alan Turing. Who might never have cried over a Jira ticket because he couldn’t figure out the structure of it - but did know what it was like to feel like an outsider. And I know he would’ve wanted to help me and to support me in every possible way And I know he would’ve been proud of how I have never, ever given up no matter what and that I have kept on going. And would’ve loved my passion I know I wrote in my last post about 5 steps to follow. I want to make them more accessible somehow Photo from a frie...